Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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