If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
