Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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