I'm going to jail i love you
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
