Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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