i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
