This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
