If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
