You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
