Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
