My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
