Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
