Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
