so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Randomize
