i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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