Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
