Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
