I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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