she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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