ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
