nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
COCAINE IS GR8
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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