dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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