My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
