Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
