Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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