Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
