I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
