even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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