So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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