can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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