I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
