don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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