maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
