While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
