She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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