Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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