There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
