You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
