The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
