I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
