Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
