I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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