I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
