she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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