My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
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I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
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Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize