I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
