i just had sex bonerless
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh god it's open bar.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
