P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
