I think im going to throw up on grandma
Say something about gay babies.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
