I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
