My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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