Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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